Phrases You Should Never Say to Your Partner For Emotionally Healthy Relationships

Words are weapons, aren’t they? When we’re under attack, we tend to fire them out in order to silence someone, prove a point, or cut them down to size.

Yet, who wants to live in a state of battle – constant or temporary?

There are many ways to win at life and a well-balanced, healthy relationship is one of them. Surely, things can’t be rainbows and butterflies all the time. But, if we want a chance at winning and want to check out items on a proverbial healthy relationships checklist, we need to consider our words with the one we love.

While movies about healthy relationships may set a higher than normal level of expectations, you should know the phrases used in real life that can turn your healthy relationship unhealthy in just a few words.

Here are a few notable phrases to never say to your partner for emotionally healthy relationships.

"Calm Down"

There’s no better way to cut someone down to size, diminish their feelings, and make them feel stupid than to say these two words. Two simple words can cut through someone’s emotional turmoil in the worst possible way and can detrimental for emotional healthy relationships.

Even if your partner is getting worked up over something small and they need a little perspective, this is not the way to talk them off their emotional cliff. It’s why it’s at the top of the list of phrases you should never say to your partner.

Demonstrate a little bit of patience; hear them out (even if they’re attacking you); and then do what you can to put out the emotional flame they’re stoking. If you want to reach your partner's healthy relationship expectations, avoid telling them to calm down.

It’s Not That Big a Deal

“What shouldn’t I tell my partner?” is one of those healthy relationship questions.

“It’s not a big deal,” takes “calm down” one step further – in the worst possible way. If people are speaking words, no matter the subject, those words often mean something to them. They matter in some way; have impacted them in some way; and are important enough to leave their minds and enter into a spoken conversation.

Of course, we don’t have to hang onto every single word that every single person speaks. Sometimes, people are just talking out of the sides of their mouths. But, it’s a helpful rule of thumb to ask yourself why someone is mentioning whatever it is that they’re mentioning because there’s usually a reason.

That Makes No Sense

Here we are again – talking about two, three, and four-word phrases that can crush someone's healthy relationship expectations in two to three seconds.

Even if you think your partner isn't making sense, you still don’t want to say that. Express the patience that is required in all emotionally healthy relationships and hear them out first.

Then, if you need them to explain something further, ask them to do so. But, don’t come out the gate with a phrase that often takes on a sarcastic tone whether we intend it to or not.

You Make No Sense

“That” makes no sense isn’t quite as personal as “you” make no sense. But, it’s only a fine line. While one is a bit of a paper cut, the other is definitely a deep cut, making it one of the things you should never say to your partner. Although the line is fine when it comes to wording, it can be the difference between toxic vs healthy relationships.

You make no sense is just a simpler way of saying, “You’re dumb.” And, if you’d never want to hear those words, then why would you ever speak them to someone else – let alone someone you’re supposed to love.

That’s Dumb

Here we are again… “That’s” dumb… “You’re” dumb. It’s really all the same in a tangled web of emotions. We don’t hear much of a difference between some “thing” being called dumb and we ourselves being called dumb.

The recipient will perceive the slight in the same way. At this stage, it’s just a matter of semantics if you’re saying some “thing” or some idea is dumb. Stay away from anything that sounds so judgmental and cutting in this list of words and phrases you should never say to your partner.

Well, Aren’t You Just a Know-It-All?

On the contrary, when and if you’re feeling attacked, does it really make sense to strike out in the same way? It might feel good in the moment. But, it won’t do you any good for long-term emotionally healthy relationships.

You’re just striking out and digging yourself deeper into the same hole; you’ll quickly regret being sunk with no discernable way out.

You’re Overreacting

This relates to, “Calm down,” or, “It’s not a big deal.” It’s just a lot more blunt and, therefore, hurtful, making it a prime candidate in a list of things you should never say to your spouse.

Even if your partner is – quite literally – overreacting, you don’t say it. It will likely have the opposite effect of cooling them down.

Rather, it could further incense them, make you look callous and uncaring, and do nothing to keep the peace.

You Never…

When dealing with humans, generally speaking, it’s never wise to speak in generalities. Few people do something “all” the time.

So, to say, “You never pitch in,” or, “You never help out,” or, “You never act like you care,” is setting yourself up for failure.

Your comment can immediately be rebuffed because, again, no one really does one thing all the time.

You Always…

This is the flipside of the above, but it holds the same truth. You can’t say you always do this or you always do that because it’s probably too easy to rebuke.

In the moment, you might feel, overwhelmingly, like your partner is always hurting you or letting you down in a particular way. But, take a second to dial it back.

Again, no one does one thing all the time. And your partner is not only going to get defensive, but will probably be able to prove you wrong. Just avoid speaking in extremes before you enter into a losing battle.

You Never Listen to Me

Here we are again with another “you never” or “you always.” If you can catch yourself about to do this, zip your lips.

It only has two outcomes: your partner becomes defensive and your partner can rebuff your blanketed statement. Why enter into a losing battle that serves neither of you well?

I’m Leaving

“I’ve had enough,” or, “I’m leaving,” is a dare you don’t want to take when things are heated. It’s a threat that often leaves you feeling disappointed.

Don’t say, “I’m leaving,” unless you’re 100% certain you want to be gone – and you don’t want your partner to chase after you. Otherwise, you’ll be threatening to leave, even though you really don’t want to, and will be twice as hurt when your partner lets you go.

If you think you need a few moments to walk away and regain your composure, that’s one thing. Walk into the other room, sit down, or step outside. But, don’t threaten to leave because you’ll be twice as frustrated when they don’t follow after you.

Plus, this can often just be perceived as an attempt to take back control from the other party. Why leave a “battle” unfinished when that’s one of the unhealthiest things you can do in a relationship?

You Don’t Respect Me

There are two things to note here. One, is that even true? Because, if it is, what are you doing with that person? Don’t say it just to get a rise out of them. It won’t move the needle in any discernible way.

Also, you want to be very careful about what you speak into existence. If it’s not really true, don’t put that out there into the atmosphere of your home and your partner’s mind. Certainly, this is one of the phrases you should never say to the man you love. Conversely, no man should ever say this to the woman he loves, either.

You’re Always On Your Phone

Here’s another “always.” Do you see how, when we zoom out like this, speaking in generalities sounds foolish? Is your partner always on their phone? Or are they on their phone as often as anybody else?

If they’re on the phone more than you’d like, that’s a separate conversation. That’s a conversation you need to have in a calm and effective manner. Maybe you’ll cite a specific time like dinner or post-dinner when you wish you could spend some quality time together.

Ask your partner to not be on their phone during this specific time. But, don’t come out of the gate swinging when, really, all you want is a minor adjustment to your current relationship.

Although this belongs on a list of things you should never say to your partner, it’s really all about your approach.

You’re Always Late

Always, really? Again, if this is a sticking point for you, you need to engage the conversation maturely and cite specific examples that are on your mind.

If the goal is not to get your partner’s back up, then is it really wise to kick things off with an accusation?

You Don’t Care

If you’re in a good relationship, you have to consider that your partner is putting in as much effort and attention as you are.

For all the times they were patient with you or understanding when you were overreacting, is it really fair to say they don’t care?

Don’t go there. It cuts down all the work and effort that they’ve put into the relationship and, if you’re in an overall healthy relationship, it’s not even true.

I’m Sorry You Feel That Way

Although this belongs on a list of things you should never say in a relationship, it’s true for all relationships. What an insulting apology. “I’m sorry you feel that way” is such a useless apology, it’s not even worth entertaining.

If your partner has any intelligence at all, the moment you say, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” all they’ll hear is, “I’m not sorry.”

Worse, they might even hear it as, “You’re being irrational. I’m right; you’re wrong.”

I Don’t Care

“I literally don’t care.” What an awful, demeaning response deliberately designed to cut someone down. This is certainly one of the things your partner should never say to you.

If you’re ever at a point when this is about to leave your lips, just walk away. Don’t even say it.

Take some time to step away and figure out why you’re in a situation – or, worse, a relationship – where you don’t even care anymore.

You Can’t

Here’s an example of what a wife should never say to her husband – and vice versa: “You can’t,” or, “You’ll never be able to.” If you can’t count on your partner to be your support system, what’s the point?

Don’t cut your partner down, even if you think they’re about to make a massive mistake. The moment you tell them they can’t do something, you could seriously be bruising their spirit.

Even if you think your partner is about to embark on a serious mistake, don’t tell them what they can or cannot do. It’s one thing a woman should never say to a man, and one thing a woman never wants to hear from a man.

Approach the situation with a level head, craft an argument with specific examples as to why this might harm them – or you, and then see where you can go from there.

You’re a…

We’ll end with the worst case scenario: a couple who name-calls. This is how hurtful words can ruin a relationship. If you ever reach the point in a relationship where you’re name-calling one another, it’s time to start thinking about packing your bags.

It’s one thing to joke around, call someone silly, or poke fun at them in jest. It’s a completely different kettle of fish to actually call someone a jerk… or worse.

You don’t want to be on the receiving end of that scenario. And, if you find yourself approaching it from the other end, then you need to take a good, hard look at what you’re doing and why you’re doing it.

Important Phrases to Never Say to Your Partner for a Healthy Relationship

Although this list merely scratches the surface, these are important phrases to never say to your partner for a healthy relationship. The gist is to avoid speaking in generalities like “you never” or “you always.”

You also don’t want to cut your partner down. Words are powerful. And, truthfully, that’s why we weaponize them when we feel threatened.

All in all, if you want a healthy relationship, remember to wait a beat before engaging in the more difficult times.

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