Everything You Need to Know About 'Toxic Breadcrumbing' in the Dating World
Ah - the dating world. Some can compare it to the jungle because it can be scary, crowded, and downright ruthless. While this may sound cynical, we know that there are good parts to dating too. Meeting new people and discovering new places are just a few of the perks of dating, but it comes with its challenges too.
Whether you've been ghosted, stood-up, or stuck on a bad date, you've likely developed a tolerance to bad dating etiquette and maybe even some red flags. Although chewing with an mouth open or talking too much can be turn-offs, they may not be considered your worst red flags. However, there are some behaviors that we all can probably agree are big red flags waving in the wind, smacking us in the face, warning us to run away - quick.
No, we're not talking about abusive behavior, but if you find yourself a victim to this, seek help immediately. A red flag less threatening but definitely annoying is called 'toxic breadcrumbing', and although it's been happening for decades, there's finally a label for it.
So, what exactly is toxic breadcrumbing, and are you dealing with it right now?
What is Toxic Breadcrumbing?
You've heard the story of Hansel and Gretel, right? Just in case you haven't, we'll quickly sum it up for it. Two kids head into the woods, leaving breadcrumbs on the path to find their way home, which - spoiler alert - doesn't work.
The rest of the story doesn't really matter because the dating term toxic breadcrumbing is said to be originated from this specific part of the story. In short, toxic breadcrumbing is a type of manipulation. It happens when one person - the manipulator - gives little pieces of inconsistent attention to and strings on another person - the victim. This gives the victim the idea that the manipulator is interested, when they're not.
Breadcrumbing typically leaves one person questioning the intent and relationship with the other. This can lead to anxiety, emotional distress, and even dating trauma.
Why Do People Breadcrumb Each Other?
If toxic breadcrumbing has been happening for years, why are we just labeling it now? Much like the semi-recently coined term "gaslighting" - another form of manipulation - breadcrumbing has been referred to as other things: leading on, stringing along, playing with your feelings, etc.
While these terms may have slightly different connotations to different people, they all essential mean the same thing. So, why do people breadcrumb each other? Clinical psychologist and author of “A Deeper Wellness: Conquering Stress, Mood, Anxiety and Traumas”, Dr. Monica Vermani weighs in.
Toxic breadcrumbing keeps "someone from looking elsewhere for a more stable, reliable and real connection, and remain hopeful and focused on them," Vermani states in an interview with CNN.
This could be for several reasons including: seeking attention or validation, wanting control, commitment issues, or feeling incapable of having a healthy relationship. While breadcrumbing isn't limited to these reasonings, these seem to be the main ones. It's also important to note that toxic breadcrumbing is mostly referenced in the dating world, but it can also happen in the workplace or in other relationships.
“A friend may feign interest and connection without any intention of getting together, traveling or engaging in a real, genuine friendship, but in reality only call you when they need something from you,” Vermani tells CNN. “Often, in these relationships, the target feels used and not a real priority of their abuser.”
Breadcrumbing is everywhere, and it's important to be able to recognize it, so you can maintain healthy and happy relationships with those around you.
Are You Being Toxic Breadcrumbed?
Some red flags are harder to miss than others, but toxic breadcrumbing may be one of the trickier ones. The person being breadcrumbed may enjoy the attention from the manipulator when they get it - you may even find it thrilling. Maybe the manipulator says all the right things and helps them forget about the inconsistent and vague communication. In reality, this is a manipulation tactic, and that thrill you feel will only last so long until they're gone again.
Sometimes those butterflies in your stomach when you meet someone aren't always great - sometimes they're simply anxiety. When will I see them again? Will they show up tonight? Will they text me like they said they would?
Sound familiar?
3 Signs You're Being Breadcrumbed
Let's get into the nitty gritty of it. Dating can come with a lot of questions, and whether you're being toxic breadcrumbed just became another one of them. Here are some of the common warning signs of toxic breadcrumbing.
1. Inconsistent Communication
On and off communication can be annoying and downright disrespectful, and this can be one of the common behaviors of a toxic breadcrumber. Here are a few others:
They're not ghosting you completely, but they do days or even weeks at a time.
They suggest making plans but never actually follow through with them.
They show more interest in you once you start to lose interest in them.
They only text you at odd hours, like late at night. Does the "you up?" text sounds familiar?
They'll comment on your Instagram photo but won't text you back.
2. Avoiding the Serious Conversations
Although we don't all love to have those serious talks, if you're looking for more than just a "situationship", you need to get more comfortable with them. A toxic breadcrumber may exhibit these behaviors:
They only want to talk about or hang out for sex.
They consistently avoid serious topics of conversation.
They often send short or vague responses.
3. Doesn't Want to Put a Label on it
You've probably met one of them before. The person who doesn't want or doesn't like "labels" because of some kind of societal construct or whatever else they told you. But they still expect you to be around when they actually do text or actually decide they want to hang out. Some other common behaviors may include:
They're vague on how they feel about you, even if you're expressed interest.
They expect you to be exclusive with them while not reciprocating.
They say cliche lines, like "I'm scared of how much I like you".
How to Handle a Toxic Breadcrumber
As hard as it may be at first, one of the best things to do when you're being toxic breadcrumbed is to cut the relationship off. After doing this, the breadcrumber will likely express more interest again, but this is a manipulation tactic. If this is a normal behavior for the manipulator, they may even try to make you feel bad. This is typical in toxic breadcrumbing and will likely not change unless that person gets the help they need.
You can also try confronting the person about their behavior in a meaningful and respectful way. Maybe their behavior is more of just a miscommunication or they're bad at texting, but you can give them an opportunity to explain themselves. If they don't take the opportunity, then you probably have your answer.
It's never fun being manipulated when your feelings are involved, but remember - it's not your fault. You can't control how other people act, but you can control how you respond to it.