The Art of Saying No and Setting Healthy Boundaries
Have you had enough of the feeling of being walked all over? Are you tired of people telling you what to do and how to do it?
It feels a bit like the curse of the nice person, doesn’t it? The good news is, for every curse, there’s an antidote.
Let this year be the year that you put your foot down and protect yourself the way you’ve always wanted to.
As you get ready to release old habits that aren’t serving you any longer, here are the best tips for saying no and setting boundaries.
Look at Both Sides of The Coin
Of course, you’re the primary concern here. You have to take care of yourself first, as no one else is going to do it for you. But, when you’re ready to say no, don’t just focus on what you need.
Take a moment to practice some empathy for the other person. People say, do, and ask things for a reason – always.
So, what’s the reasoning behind this thing that you have to say no to? Is someone else trying to do something kind for you? Or, worst case scenario, are they somehow trying to use you as a means to an end?
Whatever you decide, it’s helpful to pause before proceeding to look at both sides of the coin. Use your empathy to potentially uncover how the other party may be feeling before taking the appropriate steps to protect your peace.
Ultimately, you’re number one. But, it’s helpful to have the clearest mind possible as you practice how to say no and set boundaries.
Refuse the Request, Not the Person
This is a bit like letting them down softly. Part of the reason we’re so afraid to say no is that we don’t want to hurt the other person, stir the pot, or find ourselves embroiled in a tiff.
However, if we’re careful to refuse the request itself, reiterating the fact that it has absolutely nothing to do with the person at all, we’re far more likely to have a smooth encounter.
For example, if someone is inviting you out to a loud and raucous party and that’s simply not your style anymore, refuse the setting, not the person’s gracious invitation.
Let them know that you’ve already planned a quiet evening at home that night, but hope they have the best time, and see if you can nail down another time to hang out.
Prepare for the Conversation
You don’t have to prepare notes or anything. But, the best way to make this easy on yourself is to prepare a little bit. As we know, few conversations in life ever go exactly how we play them out in our heads.
Still, you’d do well to come with a few prepared words so you can stand firm and refuse to waver on your needs. The less prepared you are, the more likely you are to waver, which is something you might end up bitterly regretting.
Consider Your Options
It’s important to learn how to set boundaries and say no because this is your life; you make the rules. Would you like to give a partial yes – a yes with stipulations based on what you need? Or are you planning on a hard no?
For example, you can say that you’d like to partake in a certain event or activity, but that you have to leave at a set hour or time. We’ll get into the many reasons why you don’t have to explain yourself below. But, perhaps you’ll want to consider a middle ground instead of a flat out denial.
If, indeed, you’re certain you want to issue a flat out no, that’s okay, too! It’s great your mind is made up because it will prevent you from wavering – something we almost always regret.
Engage In the Conversation When You’re Calm
If you’re reading this, it’s probably because you struggle saying no and setting healthy boundaries. Whatever you do, don’t rush to have this difficult conversation. We don’t owe anyone instantaneous responses. Think through your options, run through a few scenarios in your mind, and then make contact.
You want to ensure your mind is clear and calm before you engage in a situation where the other person might make you feel pressured.
If you’re flustered, you’re likely to cave. And, unfortunately, when we do something by way of an arm twist, resentments bubble up to the surface and rarely disappear.
Stand Firm
If you’re a soft soul and have a few firmer friends in your group, ten bucks says you’ve been talked into saying yes to something that you really wanted to avoid. You said no once or twice but kept getting poked and prodded and finally caved in, didn’t you?
Remember to always follow your instincts when you’re learning how to say no. Yes, there are the rare occasions when we didn’t want to go somewhere or do something and it ended up being the experience of a lifetime. But, that outcome is in the minority.
Usually, we look back with regret when we were someplace we didn’t want to be, saying, “I knew I didn’t want to do this. Why didn’t I some here?” We kick ourselves all the way home, wishing we’d held the line.
It’s difficult, no doubt. It goes back to that people-pleasing propensity. But, our instincts are our lifelines and, when we don’t follow them, the outcomes are often catastrophic.
Explain, But Don’t Ask For Forgiveness
Many of us have the same nervous tick: when we feel panicked, we over-explain ourselves. The moment we start to sense the other person’s disappointment, we launch into a lengthy explanation (and maybe even a couple white lies) to soften the blow. It’s utter nonsense.
And, heaven forbid… if the person should happen to fall silent after we’ve said no, the fear really starts to set in. Once that silence hits the air, we’re likely to launch into a full-blown sermon explaining why we can’t do something and how truly sorry we are.
Sidestep all of this and state that you have a prior commitment or simply cannot make it. Then, leave it at that. See how it feels.
Yes, it might be uncomfortable. No one enjoys letting other people down and this is par for the course as we learn to say no. But, test it out. Offer a soft decline, perhaps a very short, stinted reason why, and then see how it feels.
Keep Anxiety In Its Proper Place
We tend to give feelings of anxiousness a lot of weight. These feelings come on like a wave and can completely wash us away. But, remember low-grade anxiety like this is just a feeling. And feelings come and go.
It’s possible to pause and feel those moments of anxiety for a moment or two and still stand firm. Instead of feeling nervous or afraid, challenge yourself to straighten your spine, stand tall, and pat yourself on the back because – guess what? You did it!
Don’t Look Back With Regret
Sometimes, when we say no to people, they circle back the next day to tell us what fun they had and how much we missed out on.
Don’t feel like you’ve missed out on anything. This all goes back to trusting your instincts. Something about that scenario pushed you towards saying no, whether it was the setting, the people, or just a lack of energy.
It’s your life; you get to decide. You know what’s best for you. You know which people make you uncomfortable and which settings are less-than-appealing to you. Remind yourself who you are and why you said no and never let anyone take away your autonomy over your own life.
Remember the Formula
Have you spotted a trend here? Truthfully, there are four steps to saying no:
Consider how the other person’s feeling.
Focus on the request, not the person.
State your limit, whether it’s a compromise or a full-fledged no.
Offer an alternative, like a future meetup.
Step four is optional. Remember, this is your life and you don’t actually owe anyone an explanation – not even your closest family members or friends. But, if you’d feel more comfortable taking the bite out of your refusal by offering an alternative solution, feel free to do so.
Just be prepared for the other party to remain stubborn, still wanting to get their way, and not be willing to hear your counter-offer. That’s okay!
That’s their problem because, if you’ve made it to that point of the formula, you’ve already done everything correctly and with the utmost of care.
Your Best Tips for Saying No and Setting Boundaries
It feels a bit like a battleplan, doesn’t it? That’s okay! Life can be a battlefield from time to time. But, the good news is we're well-equipped and perfectly capable of tackling anything that comes our way.
Remind yourself that this is your life when you get ready to employ these tips for saying no and setting boundaries. You can do it and, best of all, the more you do it, the easier it will become.
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